


I Never Lived Till I Lived In Your Light

by wordsxstars



Category: Iron Man (Movies), Marvel Cinematic Universe, Spider-Man (Tom Holland Movies)
Genre: Angst, Fluff, Irondad, Other, PTSD, Post-Avengers: Infinity War Part 1 (Movie), Tony Stark Needs a Hug, irondadbingo
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-06-24
Updated: 2019-06-25
Packaged: 2020-05-19 02:56:07
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 4,507
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19348090
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/wordsxstars/pseuds/wordsxstars
Summary: my collection of tumblr one shots and drabbles





	1. I'm sorry

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> post snap

It had taken all of Tony's energy to make it to the armchair in the corner of the room when Steve had called the meeting. 

He hadn't moved since, opting to watch without caring as the rest of the avengers had filed in. A broken team, that's what they looked like. It was his fault of course, always would be. His fault that the team had split, his fault Thanos had snapped. His fault his fault his fault. 

_Mr Stark, I don't feel so good._

His fault. 

Tony snapped out of his own thoughts as Steve made his way to the front of the room, albeit cautiously. It had been months since they had all been in the same room together. Once, he would have been glad that they could put aside their differences to work together. Now... he didn't care. He couldn't even bring himself to listen to anything that the captain was saying. All he could hear was silence, a faint ringing in his ears, and the words that had been spiralling through his head for hours. 

_If you die, I feel like that's on me._

_I'm sorry._

He blinked, noticing that the room had gone silent, and that all eyes were on him. There was a pained look on Steve's face, but Tony didn't care. Speaking required monumental effort. He forced himself to focus

"What."

His voice sounded empty even in his own ears. 

_I don't want to go._

His fault.

"Can you at least try to focus? We're all deep in shit and could do with your input."

Despite the numbness in his bones, despite everything, he nearly laughed. 

"And there go the days where you didn't use bad langauge Cap."

"Tony." That was Nat, in her typically calm tone. "You fought Thanos, can you not tell us anything?"

"We all fought him. I don't see why I'm more qualified to talk about this than anyone else."

"You're being stubborn Tony." 

And that was Steve again, but his voice sounded more strained than it had before. That was something he could do right at least. Push Captain America's buttons.

"Incredible observation, will that be all?"

"Stark." Oh they were back to that now. Good. He could play Tony stark. He could be the asshole they had met him as. He could piss everyone off enough so that they couldn't see that something had broken underneath the iron armour. 

"Rogers."

The other man gritted his teeth, and the rest of the Avengers watched in silence. The first time they had all been in a room together and it was about to end in an argument. Tony didn't care. 

"We lost. And we need to do something about it. Sitting here... it won't bring anyone back."

Tony snapped his eyes up to meet Steve's. 

'They're not coming back Rogers. I thought there was a brain behind the shield. Get this into your  _head: They're gone."_

Steve shook his head. "I don't believe that."

"Then I can't help you."

Something seemed to crack in the captain's controlled exterior, and for the first time in a while, Steve looked pissed. Not just pissed, mad.

"You've given up already. You can't even find it in you to be bothered to care about what everyone has lost."

Steve was right. He didn't care. Maybe he had before, but look what that had given him in return.

_Please, I don't want to go._

"We're all mourning," someone said quietly, and he thought it might have been Nat. He managed to drag his gaze into focus again.

"And what exactly did you give up this time Tony?" That was Steve's voice again, and it was laced with a spite that he hadn't been sure the captain had in him. 

"Half the population of the entire universe maybe?" His voice remained cold. Ever the one who didn't give a shit. Make them believe it, make them buy it. 

Steve laughed, shaking his head. There was no humour in his voice. "And yet Tony Stark somehow managed to come out on top again. You won't help because it's not relevant to you."

"Cap-" That was Rhodey, his voice low with warning, and Tony knew his friend had figured it out. But Steve's voice was raising, along with the tension in the room. He knew the captain was grieving, and yet...

"We lost Tony, we lost. And somehow, despite everything, you managed to win."

Tony wasn't sure he was breathing anymore. All he could feel was ash on his fingertips, small hands gripping onto his armour with enough force to dent it. Holding the boy tight enough to bruise, as if he could keep him together.

_I'm sorry._

"You're coming back to everything you had before, everything still intact, everyone in your life still alive-"

Before Tony even registered what was happening, he was standing. That was rage he could feel in his chest. Rage to replace the numb feeling of helplessness as he stabbed a finger into Steve's chest, sending the man back a step.

" _Are you fucking finished"_

Steve visibly recoiled at the venom in his voice. 

No one else in the room was breathing. 

_I don't want to go._

Anger was burning through him fast enough to steal his breath. Anger finally overcoming the guilt, the grief, the will to make them believe that he didn't give two shits about what had happened, that he had come out of everything unscathed. 

"I lost the kid."

Tony's voice broke, and that was all it took for the anger to seep away, for the delayed grief to slam into him hard enough to leave him reeling. A hand came to wrap around his arm, holding him steady. Rhodey. But he pulled free, tearing his gaze away from his friend to look at Steve. 

"A fifteen year old kid in a Spiderman suit. He fucking begged me to save him, to stop him from dying. And then he spent his last moments apologising to me. Do you know how fucking screwed up that is? He was a  _child._ And he died on  _my_ watch."

There was a devastating silence around them, and the shock and pity on Steve's face made him want to throw up.

"I'm sorry."

_Im sorry._

Bile rose in his throat and he shook his head.

"Don't."

"Tony I didn't-"

Suddenly, all his energy was gone.

"I don't care." 

The numbness was back and he welcomed it, begging it to take away some of the grief that he was sure would kill him. He turned towards the exit. 

"Tony."

He knew what the unspoken words would be, what the captain was begging of him. 

_Help me. Help me fix this. Help me get them back._

He walked out without another word, the door of the compound slamming closed behind him.


	2. you're here

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Peter has a nightmare and Tony is there to help. Fluff happens.

_I am iron man._

The snap echoed through his bones. 

He thought someone was screaming. Maybe it was him, maybe it wasn't 

And then he was running. 

The next minutes were a blur. Or maybe it was hours. 

There was someone crying behind him, a hand on his arm, a man on the floor. Burns, blinding light, screaming. 

_We won Mr Stark._

Someone was saying his name, trying to get him away.

_I'm sorry Tony._

"Please." 

But his eyes were closing, and the woman with the soft voice and soft hands was crying, and someone else was pulling him away. 

_You can rest now._

He thought he might have been crying, fighting to hold onto the shattered armour, begging someone, anyone, to help him.

" _Please_."

Peter was pulled out of the dream slowly rather than suddenly. It was a gradual return of his senses. The scent of burning was gone, and there was only darkness around him. He was at the cabin by the lake for the weekend, hence the lack of city noise around him. 

He touched his face, fingers coming away wet. His chest was heaving as his heart rate slowly returned to normal. 

A dream. 

And yet the sound of the gauntlet would not leave his memories. 

Bile rose in his throat and he stumbled into the bathroom, falling to his knees on the cold tiles.

_Breathe._

Every time he closed his eyes it was the same. 

"Kid?"

A sob tore out of him as the familiar voice sounded behind him, but the relief overcame any embarrassment. He couldn't bring himself to move, even as Tony lowered himself onto the floor beside him, tugging him into his chest without a word. The nausea was fading, and Peter turned fully, burying his face in his mentor's chest and finally breaking down.

"You're here."

They were the only words he could manage to get out. They had been the first words he had said when Tony had woken up in the Wakandan hospital. It had taken him three days to wake up after using the infinity gauntlet. Three days where Peter hadn't left the chair outside his room. The doctors had said a week. Tony stark had done it in three days. 

_You're here,_ he had whispered when Pepper had guided him inside the room. Tony's smile had been the best thing he had seen, and probably would remain the best thing he would ever see. 

_Of course I'm here kid. You didn't think a couple of rocks could kill me did you?_

"I'm always here," the man said softly now, holding him tightly as the sobs slowed. 

"I'm-"

"I think we're a little past apologising for things that aren't our fault don't you?" Tony's voice held a faint amusement that made some of the tightness in his chest ease, and he gently untangled himself from the older man's grip, dragging a hand across his eyes.

"Did I wake you up?"

Tony shook his head, reaching out to tuck a strand of Peter's hair away from his face. "Nope. Insomniac, remember?"

Peter laughed quietly as his mentor stood, pulling him to his feet. It was then that he realised how damn cold he was. The dream and then the bathroom tiles had leached whatever warmth he had fallen asleep with from his body, and he was left trembling. 

"Mr Stark I-"

Tony didn't miss a beat, pulling the worn MIT jumper over his head and handing it to him. 

"Put it on kid."

"But it's yours."

"Sharing is caring Pete. Put it on."

He shrugged, lacking the will to argue as he pulled the sweatshirt on, tension in him easing. The material was worn and soft, and it wrapped Peter in a scent he could only describe as home. He watched as something a lot like relief crossed Tony's face, and then the man led him out of the bathroom and down to the living room. 

"Go get settled on the couch kid. Feel like a movie?"

Peter frowned at the clock above the door, still swamped in the man's old jumper. 

"Mr Stark, you know its 4am right."

"Yes. And please can you call me Tony. I think we may be a bit past any form of politeness here."

That made him laugh as he relaxed into the sofa and his mentor sat next to him. Peter shuffled closer, pressing himself into the man's side and Tony huffed a laugh, carding his fingers through his hair. Peter hummed in content, nestling further into him. 

"Thank you," he murmured, closing his eyes.

"For what exactly kid?"

Peter half smiled, moving even closer if it were possible. 

"You didn't leave me."

He felt Tony's breath catch slightly, fingers brushing curls away from his face. 

"I'm never leaving you okay?"

"Do you promise?" When Tony's voice came back to him, it was soft with something he couldn't place.

"I promise."

Peter drifted off to sleep again, this time unafraid.

The nightmares couldn't touch him.

*

That was how Pepper found them hours later, curled up on the sofa. She made sure to take a picture, requesting FRIDAY save it on the system. As she turned to leave, Tony stirred, eyes flickering open. 

"Pep?"

"Go back to sleep," she whispered with a smile. "God knows you need it."

He shot her an exasperated look with no real annoyance behind it, and she shook her head with a smile as she leaned over to kiss him. 

"We did it," Tony murmured, looking at the boy still curled up beside him. 

Pepper nodded as she sat down on his other side, hand pressed against his chest and head on his shoulder. She could feel the steady thumping of his heart under her fingertips. Alive. Against all the odds, he was alive. 

"You can rest now."

 


	3. talk to me

"Jesus Tony, this kid has too much energy"

Peter pulled a face that no one could see as Rhodey's voice crackled in his ear. 

"You know I can hear you right?"

"That is the idea of a comms unit kid."

And that was Tony, voice layered with amusement. Peter sighed, swinging between the buildings as he struggled to keep up with the robots down below. 

"Do these things ever thing of leaving Queens alone for five minutes?"

His mentor's laugh came back to him and he cracked a smile, webbing one of the things to a wall. It was a rhythm he was used to after more than two hours of doing it. Tony had called him right as he was about to go into chemistry, and he hadn't even thought about saying no. All it took was a text to Ned, an excuse to go to the bathroom, and he was in his suit and out of the window. He knew Tony would be less than thrilled to learn he had skipped chemistry of all things, but in his defence, the man had called him first. 

"-Parker. Are you listening?"

He snapped back into focus, still swinging between buildings. 

"Yes sir."

"What did I just say?"

Silence. 

"Okay I _may_ have zoned out for a second. Sorry."

A sigh of exasperation reached his ears as he twisted in the air, sending another robot flying into the wall. 

"Kid, I need you to head down to the bridge okay? Make sure none of the people in cars are in danger."

"Got it. Karen, give me the fastest route will you?"

Within seconds, he had changed course, leaving the rest of them to tidy up the ones in the street. It took him five minutes to get to the bridge, and immediately he knew Tony had been right to send him there. The traffic was at a stand still, and there were people shouting. It only took him a moment to understand why. The railing had been broken in a few places, but one car had ended up dangerously close to the edge. As he watched, a woman who seemed to be the mother climbed slowly out of the driver's seat, reaching through the window for the child in the back.

His heart stopped as the child screamed.

The world seemed to move in slow motion as gravity took hold and the car began to tip. The mother threw herself forwards to grab the child. She was too slow. 

But he wasn't. 

Peter lunged for the car, web latching onto the bonnet as it fell, and he shot another, attaching the car to the already precarious bridge in one swing. But he had overestimated his own momentum, and the movement sent him slamming into the car, head smashing into the metal. 

He must have only blacked out for a few seconds, but when his senses returned, pain erupted behind his eyes. 

"Ow," he muttered, blinking away stars. 

"Kid? You okay?"

Oh. He had forgotten that he still had Tony on comms in his ear. 

"Yeah, all good." He wasn't sure why he didn't just tell him what had happened. But the girl had to take priority. "Be with you in a minute."

"Pete-"

"Karen, mute."

He could almost sense the AI judging him, but Tony's voice went silent in his ear. He just needed to focus for a second. He was currently on top of the car, and luckily whatever weird thing allowed him to stick to things had kicked in once he had hit the metal. He slowly began to shuffle around to the door. It was half open, and the girl was curled up in the back seat, eyes clenched shut. The car swayed gently in a breeze, and Peter knew it wouldn't be holding up for long. 

"Hey," he kept his voice calm, refusing to betray even a hint of the fear thrumming through his body. "I'm going to get you out of here okay? You just have to listen really carefully."

The girls eyes opened and she nodded mutely. Peter could see she was trembling. She can't have been more than five, and that in itself was enough for him to push away his own fear. Get her to safety first. 

'Okay, so I need you to reach and grab my hand okay? Just move really slowly."

The girl shifted slightly towards his outstretch hands and the car groaned. Peter glanced down, seeing only water below him, and his stomach turned. 

'Don't look down," he said softly, keeping his hand steady. "Just look at me. It's going to be okay."

Slowly, he moved forwards, taking her smaller hand in his own. 

"Got you. Right, i'm going to pull you up now okay? Try not to move too much." Another nod from the girl, and he gently started to pull her out of the open door and onto the car bonnet. It was dented from where he had slammed into it, but that wasn't his problem. Tony could undoubtedly afford to by the family a new one. 

"Karen, un mute. But uh, dial down the volume a notch okay? I need to focus."

"Kid why the hell does your tracker say you're over the side of the bridge? _"_

Peter winced slightly, glad the volume had been turned down. He tugged the girl into his arms, her eyes wide with fear

"Relax Mr Stark. I'm just getting a girl back onto the bridge."

" _Relax_?"

That had been a poor choice of words apparently.

"We can discuss that later. Is there any way I can get her up safely Karen?"

" _My calculations tell me that throwing her would be the best course of action here."_

He was _so_ glad that only he could hear the AI talking. 

"Peter, what's going on?" He ignored Tony, focusing on the situation at hand.

"No offence Karen but are you insane?"

_"No Peter, but the probability of her survival decrease every second you're both on the car."_

"Right," he breathed, trying to steady his voice as he addressed the girl again. "Okay, can you close your eyes for me? This is going to be really scary, but you have to trust me. I promise it's going to be okay."

Another nod, and her eyes closed. He looked up to the people on the bridge, not that far above him. The car was creaking dangerously now. 

"Karen?"

" _Eighty-nine percent survival rate if you throw her now Peter."_

He nodded, gritting his teeth, and threw her.

Time slowed. 

He watched as the girl flew through the air, screaming, and by some miracle, landed in the arms of someone waiting to catch her. 

Relief hit him like a train. 

" _Peter."_

Mr Stark never called him that.

Then the strain of movement became too much for the webs, and his heart dropped into his stomach as he fell.

The fall only lasted seconds, but it felt like hours. Gravity yanked him back into the car, and the door slammed shut as the car hit the water. The metal around him absorbed most of the impact, but he still felt his vision go dark for a moment. 

"Kid? You there?"

The comms crackled to life in his ear and he groaned. Water lapped at his feet. There was nothing but darkness around him. .

"Shit."

"Yeah, that pretty much sums it up. I'm on my way. Just stay awake."

Peter groaned again, pain knifing through his ribs and Tony's voice came back to him, edged with worry. "Karen, give me a run down of his vitals."

"I'm fine," he muttered, but the AI spoke despite his complaint. 

" _Three broken ribs, bruises on arms and legs, and a mild concussion._ "

"Shit." That was definitely concern in his mentor's voice. "Kid, I need you to get out of that car. I'm still four minutes away."

It was then that Peter realised the gravity of his situation.

Somehow, in the scramble to get the girl out without letting the car go, and the rush to get her to safety, he had managed to get his leg tangled in his own webbing. He pulled, and nothing moved. He had designed it to hold robots and people with super strength. He had literally designed the thing that was going to kill him. Peter swallowed hard, fighting the panic that was rising like a wave in his gut.

"Mr Stark... My leg is stuck."

There was a moment of silence in his ear and then he heard a torrent of muffled curses. 

"Three minutes away kid. Keep talking to me."

"Please hurry up."

"Doing my best Pete. When we get out of this, I'm putting an oxygen tank into your suit okay?"

He huffed a laugh, but that quickly faded as he felt cold seeping into his bones. The car was half filled with water now, and he couldn't stop the panic that flared in his chest. 

"Tony _,"_ he choked out, fear preventing speech for a second.

"That's me kid. Good to see we've moved past Mr Stark."

"It-" A sob tore out of his chest as the terror took over. He was going to drown, trapped in the dark. " _God,_ _Tony,_ I cant move. I can't move, I cant-"

"Breathe kid, it's going to be okay. Two minutes." But he could hear the fear in the man's voice, the panic.

" _Please_."

"Nearly there kid. Tell me about something else."

The water was at his chest now, seeping whatever energy he had left from him. 

"Like- like what?" 

The water reached his neck. 

A small noise came out of his mouth before he could stop it.

Oh _god, someone, anyone._

"What about plans for collage huh? I've got some serious pull with MIT?"

"M'not letting you bribe me into collage Tony." His voice was hardly more than a whisper.

His whole body was trembling, and he closed his eyes, not hearing the reply that the other man gave.

" _Peter_ , I need you to stay with me here. Im one minute away."

But it was so dark, and the water was everywhere now. He clenched his eyes shut, whole body aching with pain. He was holding his breath, but it would be so easy to just let go. It didn't feel cold anymore. Maybe that was just the burning in his lungs. 

" _Peter is approximately twenty seconds away from unconsciousness."_

_"_ Keep him awake Karen," came the reply, but Peter didn't know if he cared anymore. It was warm, now, and the pain in his body was receding. It was only his chest that hurt now. If he could just  _breathe._

_"_ Kid don't you  _dare-_."

But everything was fading away now, and he wasn't sure what was Tony's voice and what was his own body screaming for air. 

Distantly, he heard something slam into the car, and didn't miss the flash of light that flared even with his eyes closed. There was someone shouting in his ear, panic clear even in his dazed state. 

And then his body couldn't take it anymore and the darkness pounced as water rushed into his lungs. 

*

Solid land. He was lying on something hard.

And Jesus Christ his body hurt.

"Come on, come on. Damn it kid, you're not allowed to give up on me now."

_"Mr Parker needs urgent medical attention."_

"Thank you FRIDAY," came the snapped reply. 

His eyes flickered open, and his mentor's concerned face swum into focus, a hand brushing damp curls away from his face.

"Ow."

Tony released a shaky laugh, slumping in relief. 

"Fucking hell kid, you nearly gave me a goddamn heart attack."

"Language," he whispered, wincing as pain sliced through his head. He looked at the billionaire again, and saw the lingering panic in his eyes, even as he tried to hide it with another laugh. 

"What the hell happened? You were meant to be careful."

He struggled into a sitting position, biting back a hiss of pain. 

"I had to get her out of the car." 

There was no further explanation needed. Tony knew why he had done it, even with the risk involved. A split second later, the man's arms were around him, pulling him tight against his chest. He could hear his heartbeat, could hear how fast it was from the lingering terror that was still fading from both of their bodies. 

"When I got here for a second I thought-"

Peter buried his head in his mentor's shirt, dragging air into his lungs. He was alive. But if Tony had gotten there even seconds later...

"I'm fine Mr Stark."

He felt Tony shake his head. 

"We're back to that now are we?"

Peter huffed a laugh. 

"It was a one off. Maybe if I nearly die again-"

"No. I'm upgrading your suit tonight."

"You worry too much."

"Your heart just stopped twice after drowning," the older man fired back.

"Touché."

Despite the pain still rolling through his body, Peter frowned. 

"The attackers?"

Tony didn't let go of him, but his grip loosened slightly as he relaxed. 

"All taken care of. Rhodey has it all under control."

The implications of what had happened hit him. 

"Wait. You left Mr Rhodes there to come and help me?"

He could almost  _hear_ Tony rolling his eyes. 

"Kid, you were literally seconds away from dying. Rhodey is a fully grown, fully armed adult who can most definitely handle himself. He had it covered, I promise."

Peter nodded, dropping his head to rest on the man's shoulder. 

"M'tired."

"Yeah I bet you are, Spider-baby."

"Spider-Man," he muttered, but there was no real force behind the words. 

Tony laughed, picking him up easily. "You did good today kid. The girl's fine. I've got Pepper on organising a replacement for their car. The parents are beyond grateful." 

Peter smiled, closing his eyes. 

"I'm glad."

Tony shook his head with a sigh. "Just don't scare me like that again okay kid?"

"Sort of part of the job description Mr Stark."

"Not at the cost of your life okay? Ever. You promise?"

Peter turned his head to one side, meeting his mentor's eyes. He saw something he hadn't expected, but couldn't quite put a name on. It was the same thing he had heard in his voice when he was drifting into unconsciousness in the water. Whatever it was, it caused him to nod, closing his eyes again. 

"I promise."

 


End file.
